Moooom. Please.

The toddler and I decided to walk to school this afternoon to pick up the tween (rather than drive). Though I love the fresh air and exercise, it annoys the tween because he then has to lug his cello home. It's such a burden.

Picture from last fall. When it was sunny and pretty out. Also note that his backpack is not with him, which means he's thrown it in his sister's stroller as he can't be burdened with BOTH the cello and the backpack.

Today he says to me, "Mom, can I push the stroller?"

Me: "No. I'm not going to carry your cello for you. You are the one that picked the cello, you have to carry it home."

Tween: "Mooom!" (in that whiny, frustrated voice) "Please."

Me: "No."

Tween: "Gah. Can't you just do it for once?"

For once. As though I don't do anything for him usually. Oh, teenage years, I see you looming. Stay far away from my charming, sensitive, funny little boy.

A bit later he was telling the toddler that she was so lucky to be nestled into her stroller (it was a bit windy, and starting to rain). And that someday she would be in fifth grade and have to carry her heavy instrument home while her little brother got to ride in the stroller.

Um. Pardon me. Her little brother? She does not currently, nor will she ever, have a little brother.

Where does he come up with these things?

Depression is a bitch

Panic attacks, anxiety, stress, depression. I'm so over it. I am tired of fighting these emotions every day. I don't want to lose myself in them. I won't let myself, because I've watched others get lost in it and felt how much it hurts on the outside, looking in. But it's a tough, uphill battle.

I am thankful to other bloggers out there who are open and honest about these same struggles. I appreciate the posts on the days when they just need to retreat into themselves, because it reminds me I'm not alone. I appreciate when I see them fight to break out and feel alive and am inspired to find my own visual reminders (*ahem* Jane. Lets set up that crime scene like shot. And Craig, I'm pretty sure I need a series of red dress shots too). I appreciate when they share the reminders that some days we should just be thankful to FEEL.

I am so grateful to my friends who take the time to sit with me and tell me that, in their eyes, I AM superwoman. And to the friends who talk me through the serious stuff, because they've been there too. And to my husband, who is genuinely floored that I can't see the amazing things he sees in me. I need to hear these things. I've learned that sometimes I just need to get offline, get out of the house, put myself out there in the real world and embrace the hugs.

Last night, I stumbled upon the best stress reliever. It was better than the weekly massages the doctor has prescribed to me. When we were done, we felt so zen, so empowered, so alive. For just a little while all the aches and the stress and the ick was lost, replaced by a peace and happiness that can not be belittled.

The power of a little physical redecorating is amazing. It's not for everyone, but for us it was a much needed break from the daily crap we are each dealing with. And it's a permanent reminder for us both that we need to shine, that we are loved, and that we are awesome.

Sometimes, we all need to be reminded of those things.

Fashion queen v.3

The toddlers morning outfit.

Halloween "Candy makes me happy" shirt. Pink & green striped leggings. One pink slipper and one gold, laced princess slipper. White windbreaker. Bubbles.

What day is it?

Conversation with the husband this morning:

Hubs: Do we have anything going on tonight?

Me: What day is it today, honey ...

Hubs: Tuesday.

Me: And the date ...

Hubs: The - oh. Happy Anniversary honey.

Me: I love you too.

Happy Anniversary to the hubs. It's been magical.

The Quotable Post

I'm a little annoyed right now.

"I prefer an interesting vice to a virtue that bores." | Moliere  

I don't necessarily want to discuss it.

"Yield to temptation. It may not pass your way again." | Robert A Heinlein 

But I'm tired of the stress.

"All the things I really like are either immorral, illegal, or fattening." | Alexander Woollcott, American critic

I'm tired of feeling like this.

"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day." | Frank Sinatra

So I'm perusing a book the teenager left on the table, called The Quotable A**hole.

"Some people are like Slinkies: not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs." | Unknown

And I'm enjoying the hell out of it.

"If they can make penicillin out of moldy bread, they can sure make something out of you." | Muhammad Ali

It's improving my outlook on the day.

"Life is the boring bit between the hangover and the opening time" | Michael O'Brien, American Poet

The vodka is helping as well.

"People who drink to drown their sorrow should be told that sorrow knows how to swim." | Ann Landers 

Teenager saving the world

The teenager has a crazy cool to-do list these days.

For one, he's working with the Washington chapter of Obama for America, and recently had his first interview published on their site. His next interview should be up soon (he's working on it now), he interviewed one of his teachers. I'll put up a link to it when it's posted, it's a really powerful piece. Tomorrow he will be covering (and live tweeting) the Obama For American Regional Team Convention (to help organize the volunteers).

Taken at Boeing, in the press area, when he went
to see the president speak a few weeks ago.

He's also working with his high school GSA chapter, helping them organize the Day of Silence both at his school and at the district level (!!!).

In his spare time he is helping to launch an anti-discrimination campaign in the district. He's meeting with various junior high principal's over the next week to start GSA chapters at that level. Next week he's speaking at a staff meeting at his school to inform them of plans for their Day of Silence as well as meeting with the other high school organizers in the district so they can all be on the same page.

As a personal request from his principal (who is seriously impressed with him these days), he'll be attending a school board lunch as a reporter, to write a story for his high school paper.

Oh, and we are getting college acceptance letters in, he's prepping for his IB tests in May, and trying to keep up on his daily studies.

So, yeah.

That's an impressive, crazy cool, overwhelming to-do list for an eighteen year old.

My agenda for tomorrow? Run a 5K in the morning. Drink beer after. Nap. Go to the Sounders season opener. Drink more beer.

Have a good weekend!

Turning 40

Tonight is my last night in my 30's, which is kind of a weird thought. I'm not really having any issues with turning 40, but all week I've been thinking about that scene in When Harry Met Sally.

No, not that one.

The one where Sally freaks out about how she's going to be 40. Someday.



Because it's just sitting there like a big dead end.

But it doesn't feel like a big dead end. All week I keep thinking I should be a little more traumatized by this big life event.

Maybe watching several other friends celebrate it in such a big way, it's made it exciting. I'm very  much looking forward to my glitter celebration this weekend. And my vodka cake.

Maybe I'm over the "old" thing.

Maybe I have enough other things to stress about, I don't need to create more of it.

It's just a number.

I'm fine.

I'm going to open the expensive wine now. The big magnum size bottle that has been waiting for me.

I'm fine. Really.

A new list. Of things I hate. Kind of.

Last week, I wrote a list of ten things that made me smile, inspired in part by my friend Stasha and her Monday Listicles. This week, I decided to link up and actually write something on topic. So this week I bring you "Ten Things I Am Rubbish At" (is it possible to say rubbish without an accent? I don't think so), which I have also partially interpreted as "Things I Hate." Because I hate things I am not good at.

There might be swearing in this post, for those of you new to ... me. You have been warned.

1. Cooking. Cooking requires patience, and focus. And measuring. And knives and hot things. And at the end of it, it should probably all come together and be appetizing and look ... edible. I'm not really good at any of that. So the husband cooks. That may or may not be intentional, I will not say.
2. Sleeping. I always think of Greg Behrendt saying "how can you fuck up sleeping?" I don't know how, but I do. And it's annoying. I wake up achy and sore, sometimes I pull muscles. And I sleep in little increments. Its more like a bunch of naps strung together than a refreshing nights sleep. Thank god for caffeine. And vodka, but that doesn't have anything to do with sleep.
3. Running. I am training for a half marathon right now. I say training like you should be impressed, but in reality, I manage to get out about twice a week, sometimes three times. And I tend to walk more than I run. And I haven't actually signed up for the half marathon that I have committed to, and talked other friends into doing (friends who have already signed up). Sigh. I hate running. 
4. Crafting. I admire those of you that can channel your inner Martha Stewart. I have friends in the wedding industry who make the cutest stuff. I even pin things that I would someday like to make. But these things, too, require focus. And patience. And a willingness to ... get sticky, and make a mess. And I just can't be sticky. Or messy. But I like play-doh.
5. Living in the moment. I am a planner. I need to know all scenarios of a situation, and preferably the expected outcome, before I can fully be present and enjoy myself. Is that weird?
6. Anything that requires coordination. I am NOT coordinated. I bruise easily. I am not graceful. 'nuff said.
7. Relaxing. I don't understand this concept.
8. Competitions.  I am a very, very bad loser. I'm sure it's because I am an only child and my parents let me win at everything (right?). So we've all learned, in my house, that we don't play games unless there is a very good chance that I will win. It's best when everyone just accepts that as part of the package when they invite me to play.
9. Sharing. This is not a trait I had to learn until I had a kid of my own, got married (yes, in that order) and actually had other people not only living with me, but expecting that whole "what's mine is yours" thing to MEAN something.WTF?! The last cookie is ALWAYS mine. Deal.
10. Navigation. My bff and I, on our first trip to San Francisco, got on the BART to go meet some friends. It took us about 20 (ish) minutes (maybe longer, we were chatting) to realize we had got on the wrong train, going in the wrong direction. And two hours later, when we finally arrived at our original destination, we also realized we could have walked there, we hadn't even needed the train. If you are giving me directions and say things like "head north," know that I am tuning you out. Say things like "turn left at the green house with the toilet seat in the yard." This I will understand.

There you have it. Ten things I am rubbish at.

I am, however, quite good at vodka.

Can you be good at vodka?

Yep, I'm sure it's possible. And I am. 

The teenagers ten year plan

Teen: Mom, I've come up with my ten year plan.

Me: Okay. Let's hear it.

Teen: Well, I have to show you. It's on youtube.

Me: ????

Teen: Just watch.



Me: Umm, I don't understand. How is this your ten year plan?

Teen: I want to be the Emperor. I love how all the storm troopers are lined up to serve & protect him.

Me: Sigh. It's good to have goals honey.

To be fair, he did show me another video first. It was of a light saber battle. I think, before he becomes Emperor, he wants to stage some sort of coup first. With light sabers.

Because that's realistic.

Butter

The toddler loves butter. If there is a stick of butter on the counter, she has been known to stick her finger in it and scoop out as much as she can. To eat. Over. And over. Until she gets caught.

This morning, she asked for a "butter sandwich", which in our house is how she describes two pieces of toast, with butter, stuck together like a sandwich. With the crusts cut off.

All our butter was in the refrigerator still, so I had to throw some, in our butter dish, into the microwave for a few seconds to soften it up. And it got a little softer than I'd planned (as per usual, with anything I do in the kitchen. Never turns out as planned. But I digress). Some of it liquified.

"Mom!" she yelled. "You made butter soup!"

Because I am a most excellent cook.